Double, Double Toil And Trouble
by MayumiRose
Summary: What happens when Harry and Hermione brew the potion found in Shakespeare's MacBeth? Demons, death, chaos and confusion. One-shot (most likely), AU, more than slightly crack-fic.
1. Macbeth's Mistake

Hello everyone! I know I haven't updated Princess of the Whirling Tides yet. I promise it's not forgotten, I'm just waiting for the inspiration to carry it on. In the meantime, please enjoy this little one-shot I did thanks to a random thought at four in the morning several weeks ago.

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Severus looked out at the class in front of him, just barely keeping from sneering at them. Even many of his Slytherins looked like gormless idiots. He turns to the chalkboard before pausing as an idea strikes him. He smiles brightly to himself as he turns to face the children. Oh yes, this was going to be a glorious day for him.

"Instead of starting off with something like the boil cure potion, we will do something…different…oh yes. I will make a deal with you dunderheads. You can brew any potion you want, if you have it in a book that is with you. You will have full access to the supply room. If you injure yourselves, or blow up anything, you will receive a zero for the day. If your potion will take longer than the class period, I will excuse you from whatever wand-waving idiocy it is. Begin."

Harry turned to look at Hermione, and grinned. Anyone that knew his father would instantly be terrified, as that particular expression generally meant a prank of some sort was in the making. He reaches into his bag, and pulls out a book that instantly has the girl's eyes widening. It was old and worn, but the title on the front was still legible. He sets it on the counter and opens it to a page which has something upon it that looks like a poem.

The two move off to gather the needed ingredients, making several trips into the storeroom where all the various potion ingredients are stored. Soon their work area is covered in random jars, leaving almost no room to work. They carefully discuss things in hushed whispers, pointing at various lines in the book as they figure out how to make the potion. Snape glanced at the two and immediately dismissed them at seeing the glut of various things they had lined up. There were no known potions that used all of those things together, so he assumed they were trying something out of some worthless Muggle book. He swept down the aisles, pausing only to make a random snide comment or sneer at a particularly inept student. Though something tickled at the back of his mind, feelings of ominous doom approaching. He shrugged it off as he praised the Malfoy child quite loudly. Merlin he hated having to suck up to people.

After discussing things, Harry grabbed one of the jars on their counter, and poured out most of the contents in a circle around them. The powder flashed a pale blue when the circle was completed, the shavings of coffin nails that had been blessed thrice and cursed twice creating a barrier around the two that even Dumbledore would have a hard time breaking. While he did that, Hermione drew a circle around their cauldron with salt, then a smaller one inside of it using holy water.

Their preparations complete, the two turned to face the cauldron and began to incant.

Harry: Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.

Hermione: Thrice and once, the hedge-pig whin'd.

Harry: Harper cries:-'Tis time, 'tis time!

Both: Round about the cauldron go.

The entire room went silent as an uneasy wash of power drove through it, heralding things of evil portent in the making. Snape turned to see what was going on, and paled as he watched the two work. Their movements were in perfect harmony, fluid and controlled like only the best potions masters could manage. This was not from any skill on their behalf. Their actions were being guided by the magic they had begun.

Hermione threw in a handful of what appeared to be human intestines with an odd tint to them, followed by Harry dropping an entire toad into the cauldron.

"In the poison'd entrails throw.—

Toad, that under cold stone,

Days and nights has thirty-one;

Swelter'd venom sleeping got,

Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!"

A wave of Hermione's wand causes the flame under the cauldron to flare as the first ingredients instantly turn to liquid and begin to heat to a boil. Snape paled even more, to the point a vampire would be jealous of his pale pallor. A flick of his wand had a silver shape shooting off out of the room, a message to the Headmaster that literally screamed at the old man to arrive as fast as possible. The potions professor began to throw the other students out of the room, leaving behind an array of unfinished potions and bags of possessions. Soon, only three people remained in the room, two in the thrall of high magic, and one praying to every deity he could think of that the potion would fail.

As the liquid in the cauldron reached a roiling boil, Harry and Hermione incanted together, their voices echoing as if several people were speaking with them.

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

As the Headmaster entered the potions lab, the two children began to add more ingredients, working at a hurried pace while still maintaining their inhuman elegance. The aged and venerated leader of the wizarding world swore under his breath as he heard them speak again, and began to cast everything he could at the barrier protecting them.

"Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the caldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,—

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."

Harry and Hermione threw their heads back, speaking once more with the unholy chorus.

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble."

Harry began to work at a furious pace as Hermione incanted along with each ingredient he put in, many of which should never have been in the storage room of a school's potions lab.

"Scale of dragon; tooth of wolf;

Witches' mummy; maw and gulf

Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark;

Root of hemlock digg'd i the dark;

Liver of blaspheming Jew;

Gall of goat, and slips of yew

Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;

Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips;"

Hermione took over adding ingredients as Harry began to speak the final portion of their incanted potion. The girl's normally bushy hair began to stand out even more as the charge of building magic wove through it.

"Finger of birth-strangled babe

Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,—

Make the gruel thick and slab:

Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,

For the ingrediants of our caldron."

Both Harry and Hermione places their hands on the lip of the cauldron, the hot metal not burning them thanks to the protection of the wild magic building within the room. A flash of fire nearby startled the two adults that were watching as the children continued a potion that had been banned for thousands of years. Even mentioning the name of it was enough to earn someone a life in Azkaban, and these two whom should have no knowledge of magic at all were actually brewing it. The phoenix that had appeared sad on an empty cauldron, singing a haunting melody that flowed with the magic that abounded about.

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble!"

Hermione whispered the last part of the potion as Harry followed the steps, the flame under the cauldron dying without any input from either of them.

"Cool it with a baboon's blood,

Then the charm is firm and good."

The potion in the cauldron thickened into a stone-like substance that glowed a sickly and diseased green, pulsing in time with the synched heartbeats of Harry and Hermione. Everything in the room stilled as if the very world around them was taking a deep breath. Then, with a pulse of power that knocked Dumbledore and Snape off of their feet, the cauldron and potion burnt up in a flare of white light that reached the ceiling. As the light faded, it revealed an attractive woman wearing a business suit standing upon the counter. She took a moment to examine the two circles around where she stood, and smirked at the children that had summoned her, proud of their ingenuity and self-preservation. She spoke to them, her voice seductive and honeyed, the purring tones of an impressed demoness.

"Well, I am highly impressed. It is rare that anyone summons one of my kind anymore, much less delving so deep that they get me or mine. Then, to have two circles of protection around the point of summoning? You have done very well. This earns the two of you a boon each. You may ask anything of me, and it will be done for you."

Hermione glanced at Harry, and spoke before he could, wanting to do something for the boy she hoped would become her friend.

"I ask something simple, I think. I want my friend Harry safe and protected from everyone that would harm him. Can you do this?"

The demoness grinned at the girl. She would have to keep an eye on the bushy-haired one. None had ever summoned her and used it to ask for the protection of another. Her eyes shifted from the pale blue they appeared into endless black voids that seemed to suck the very soul into them. Her body bends backwards at an angle that would have most people cringing in sympathetic pain before she suddenly straightens up and smiles at Hermione as her eyes revert to normal.

"Easily done. Now for you boy, what do you wish? Endless riches, immortality, concubines of such beauty that men will kill themselves after looking upon such perfection?"

Harry sputtered at the demoness' words, a bright blush staining his cheeks. He finally manages to reply to the woman standing where his cauldron used to be.

"N-no thank you. Can you do the same thing for Hermione? That's all I want."

Lilith smiled at the boy, and nodded. She pulled a blank piece of parchment out of the pocket of her suit, and pricked her finger so a single drop of blood landed on the middle. A negligent wave of her hand erases the circles of holy water and salt around her before she hops down gracefully. She holds the parchment out to the two children.

"I can do both easily. However, in order for me to act, a contract must be formed. There will be no repercussions to either of you from me or my kin, as I offered this to you as a gift. To seal the agreement and allow me to work, I will need a single drop of blood from each of you on this parchment where mine is."

Dumbledore tried to speak out and stop the children from making a deal with the mother of all demon-kind, but found his voice muted. He stares on in abject horror as Harry and Hermione add the required drop of blood each to the parchment. A blinding flash of light issued from the parchment, the luminescent blue glow obscuring everything. Around the world, events happened in rapid succession.

Several objects that were hidden in various places began to rattle and shake before a black mist emanated from each. The clouds of smoke were all dragged to the potions lab, along with a larger one that had a pair of malevolent red eyes in it that had come from the professor teaching Defense against the Dark Arts. The bundles of smoke congealed in front of the demoness, reverting into one of the most feared people of modern wizarding time. Voldemort looked around in confusion, trying to figure out how he was there and in a body once more. Before he could speak, the floor opened beneath him to reveal a pit of fire and smoke, the sounds of tormented screams rising up from it. Blood red chains lashed out and dragged the self-styled Dark Lord into the very depths of Hell before the pit closed.

Elsewhere, various people suddenly met with bizarre accidents that killed them instantly, all of the people that had followed or supported the Dark Lord dying at the same moment to prevent the mark he had given them from resurrecting the evil wizard. This included Snape, who was beheaded by a cauldron exploding right beside him.

In the DMLE, a rat appeared in front of the Director, Amelia Bones, before suddenly growing and changing into a man that everyone thought dead. She acted quickly, and stunned him before he could react. Her eyes widened as his left arm was severed and burnt to ash due to two Aurors being startled at the man's sudden appearance.

In the high-security wing of Azkaban, energy coalesced around a haggard appearing man, changing him from the emaciated and near-death person he was back into a man in the prime of his life. The walls of his cells began to glow and pulsate with a red barrier to block the effects of the dementors.

In Dumbledore's office, an exodus of various items and books began, the objects vanishing only to reappear in the Potter family vaults. This continued until the office was emptied, followed by all of the suits of armor in the castle vanishing, along with many of the tapestries and paintings that adorned the walls. Gold vanished from vaults within Gringotts bank, only to appear piled beside the stolen items in the Potter vault.

In the potions lab, Dumbledore began to glow an angry red, a dark orange line appearing between him and Harry. The red glow intensified until the link was severed. Instantly harry began to feel better than he ever had before, now that most of his power wasn't being stolen to keep the old wizard alive. A pained gasp escaped Dumbledore's lips as he collapsed; his last sight the visage of a smirking demoness.

Finally, it was done. Lilith held out a giant stack of parchment to the two children.

"These all outline the actions that have been taken on your behalf, and why each one was done. You were both wise to ask what you did, as we killed two dark lords, several hundred dark wizards, healed the person that was supposed to raise Harry, and fixed the damage done to Harry's body. Because of the sheer amount of work to ensure he was currently safe, the protection will not continue past this point in time. You both should think about taking up a career in law after you finish your schooling here, I think you would do quite well at it. Goodbye."

With that final word, the woman vanished, leaving the children alone in a room with two dead people. One would have many cheering and praising their names, another would have them reviled. Harry and Hermione looked at each other for a moment in shock, and did the only thing they could think to do

They got the hell out of there.

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And that's it. I might continue it, play out the repercussions of everything that happened, if enough people say that they want me to. This was just a bit of fun I thought of randomly, so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it! Feel free to review and share it with others!


	2. Cthulu Awakens

Hogwarts castle was eerily quiet…at least from the outside. Inside many members of the magical government were busy arguing with the remaining staff, with questions and accusations flying back and forth like bursts of angry machine gun fire. None of that was of any concern to two first years that had snuck out of the castle early in the morning to talk about what had happened with the potion they had brewed.

Hermione and Harry had carefully discussed everything that was in the stack of parchment sheets. Both had been sickened by what the Death Eaters had done, but it was the actions of the former headmaster of Hogwarts that had the young boy in an absolute rage. After several minutes of silence, he finally picked up a rock and chucked it hard into the water. Powered by a burst of accidental magic, the rock ripped across the surface furiously, leaving behind a wake like a missile had just blasted across the surface of the Black Lake.

This action, coupled with the magic on the rock, caught the attention of the giant squid. A few short moments after the rock vanished and the waters began to still once more, a mas of large tentacles rose from the depths, waving about as if in curiosity regarding the disturbance to the lake.

Hermione sucked in a noisy gasp at the sight, while Harry (perhaps foolishly) quoted another book that he had read." Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Harry had meant it as a joke, and only a joke. Sadly, like their potion the previous day, his drawing from obviously 'muggle' sources had severe consequences. What nobody knew was that H.P. Lovecraft was actually a wizard, a member of the Lovegood family. They had, for many centuries, been keepers of the most dangerous creatures known to magic. It was in their blood. The 'legend' of Cthulu was started as a joke that quickly turned into a series of books written around modified versions of ancient magical creatures.

Creatures such as the several millennia old squid currently making its home in a lake that sat beside a school of magic.

One thing that was actually true in the books was the language that was used. Many thought it was a bastardization of Sumerian. Truthfully, Sumerian was a bastardization of the ancient magical language used to talk to creatures such as the giant squid.

Said squid had gone very still at the utterance of those words, the previously waving tentacles freezing in whatever contortions they were in. It actually looked like some sort of weird art sculpture until all of the tentacles vanished into the water with barely a ripple. Hermione looked over at Harry, and then at the water, trying to figure out what was going on. Without warning, a single tentacle rose out of the water with the tip facing the two children.

Now, as almost everyone will tell you, when faced with a giant tentacle that's inches from your face, and so large that even a meter length of it will outweigh you by numbers measured in factors of your own weight, you're going to freeze up. It was no different for the two children as they stared at the rubbery appendage in frightened consternation.

At least until the tip of the tentacle opened up to reveal a giant yellow eyeball. The revelation of the hidden eye was accompanied by a high-pitched voice singing out from the water, the sound more appropriate to the piping noise of a shepherds' flute, in a haunting cry of 'Tekeli-li, Tekeli-li!'.

The odd vocalization seemed to hold some excitement, as the squid had gone several decades without anyone to talk to, much less someone of enough magical power to actually command it. Truthfully, the squid was a guardian that had been gifted to the school. The truth of how to control it had been lost for many years though, as nobody remembered the language to speak to it. It was much like a Doberman taught to guard a building, and trained to only respond to commands in German…just taken to the furthest extremes possible.

The tentacle moved closer, so that it could brush against the faces of the two frozen children. In only an eyeblink, everything about the language it spoke, how to command it and understand it, was implanted in their brains. The overload of information caused the two children to faint and collapse to the ground bonelessly. The giant squid simply waited for them to wake, knowing that the rush of knowledge would take some getting used to.

Half an hour passed with the two children unconscious, watched over by the unblinking gaze of the eyeball at the end of the tentacle. Their rest was interrupted by the raised voices of a group of Aurors coming to ask the children (interrogate them) about the deaths that tore across the magical world, and their part in them. Harry and Hermione woke fully to the sight of over a dozen people in official-looking red robes being snatched up by massive tentacles and dragged under the water.

There was one person with the Aurors that was thrown back out of the water so hard she flew the distance to the school and impacted the wall with a sound reminiscent of a watermelon hitting pavement. Delores Jane Umbridge, commonly known as Umbitch, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, died quite instantly as she finally proved to the world that there actually was a brain somewhere in her thick skull.

Green eyes met brown as the children looked at each other first before turning their gazes to the water, and then the dead woman. They knew this was going to be something else to cause them problems and once more did the smart thing.

They piss-bolted right the fuck out of there to the library.

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A/N: Random idea that struck me, and just begged to be let free. I'm still having keyboard problems, and just haven't had any inspiration to write. I will be trying to tweak and rework 'Princess' to make what I have up flow better, and maybe write another chapter, though I have no idea when that will be.

Until then, please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!


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